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<head>
<title>
The Angry Ox: Weird: Answering Machine Messages - COOL! Audio WAV files too!
</title>
<META NAME="description" CONTENT="The Angry Ox: Over 1000 Answering Machine Messages for FREE!">
<META NAME="keywords" CONTENT="answering machine messages, answering
machine, phone messages, funny answering machine messages, phone answering
machine messages, creative answering machine messages, original answering
machine messages, telephone answering machine messages, college answering
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messages, weird, original, ultimate answering machine messages, more
answering machine messages, sexy answering machine messages, sexual
answering machine messages, adult answering machine messages">
<style><!--
A { text-decoration:none;color:#cc33ff}
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<link rel="stylesheet" href="/angryox.css" type="text/css">
</head>
<?php include("../../head"); ?>
<font size=6>
<font color=#cc33ff>The Angry Ox</font>:
<font color=#ffff00>Weird</font>:
<font color=#00ffff>Answering Machine Messages</font>
</font>
<table>
<tr>
<td width='160' valign='top' bgcolor='#cc33ff' class='menu'>
Search:
<form action="<?=$GLOBALS['PHP_SELF']?>" method="GET" name="form">
<input size='13' id='srch' type='textbox' name='q' value='<?=$_REQUEST['q']?>'><input id='srchsubmit' size='4' type='submit' value='Go'></form>
<a class='menu' href="/weird/messages/">Home</a><br/><br/>
<a class='menu' href='/weird/messages/?f=random'>Random Message</a><br/>
<a class='menu' href='/weird/messages/?f=all'>All Messages</a><br/>
<a class='menu' href='/weird/messages/?f=submit'>Submit Your Message!</a>
<?php
if ($GLOBALS['REMOTE_ADDR'] == gethostbyname("mph.gotdns.com")) {
echo "<br/><a class='menu' href='/weird/messages/admin.php'>Administration</a><br/>";
}
?>
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google_ad_format = "120x240_as";
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//2007-02-21: WeirdMsgsVertSidebarTextOnly
google_ad_channel = "6205309753";
google_color_border = "CC33FF";
google_color_bg = "000000";
google_color_link = "CC33FF";
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</center>
</td>
<td width='2'>
</td>
<td width='630' valign='top'>
<?php
$f = $_GET['f'];
$q = $_GET['q'];
if ($f == "random") random($q);
elseif ($f == "all") all();
elseif ($f == "submit") submit($_POST['d']);
elseif ($f == "verify") verify($_GET['h']);
elseif (!empty($q)) search($q);
else mainpage();
function search($q) {
$q = addslashes($q);
$r = dbq("select * from messages where match(text) against ('$q')");
$num = mysql_num_rows($r);
if ($num==0) {
$words = split(" ",$q);
$sql = "select * from messages where ";
while(list(,$word)=each($words)) {
$query[] = "text like \"%".$word."%\"";
}
$sql .= join(" and ",$query);
$r = dbq($sql);
$num = mysql_num_rows($r);
}
if ($num>0) {
echo "<b>{$num} messages found.</b>\n";
echo "<table>";
$first = " first";
while($row = mysql_fetch_array($r)) {
echo "<tr><td class='srch{$first}'>".nl2br($row['text'])."</td></tr>";
$first = "";
}
echo "</table>";
} else {
echo "<b>0 (that's zero) messages found.<p/>Try Again.</b>\n";
}
}
function random() {
$r = dbq("select * from messages where approved order by rand() limit 1");
echo "<b>Here's a random message. I hope it's a good one. <a href='/weird/messages/?f=random'>Have another.</a></b>\n";
echo "<table>";
while($row = mysql_fetch_array($r)) {
echo "<tr><td class='rand'>".nl2br($row['text'])."</td></tr>";
}
echo "</table>";
displayad();
}
function all() {
$r = dbq("select * from messages order by text");
echo "<b>This is ALL of the messages we have. Wheee!</b>\n";
echo "<table>";
$first = " first";
$count = 0;
while($row = mysql_fetch_array($r)) {
echo "<tr><td class='srch{$first}'>".nl2br($row['text'])."</td></tr>";
$first = "";
if ($count++ % 15 == 0) {
echo "<tr><td>"; displayad(); echo "</td></tr>";
}
}
echo "</table>";
}
function submit($d) {
if (is_array($d)) {
if (empty($d['text'])) $err .= "You must ACTUALLY enter an answering machine message.<br/>";
if (empty($d['email'])) $err .= "You must ACTUALLY enter your email address.<br/>";
if (!empty($d['text']) and preg_match("(\<|\>)", $d['text'])) $err .= "No HTML! Remove it.<br/>";
include_once("../../lib/email-valid.inc");
if (_is_valid_simple($d['email']) != 1) $err .= "Your email address is invalid. Try again.";
if (empty($err)) {
// process the data
$d['text'] = preg_replace("/ +/"," ",$d['text']);
$d['email'] = trim($d['email']);
$hash = md5($d['text']);
$r = dbq("insert into messages (text,email,date,hash) values (\"{$d['text']}\",'{$d['email']}',now(),'{$hash}')");
$d['text'] = stripslashes($d['text']);
$d['email'] = stripslashes($d['email']);
if ($r) {
$message = <<<EOF
Hi! You (or someone you may or may not know) submitted the following
answering machine message for consideration in our super database:
{$d['text']}
To approve this submission, go to this URL:
http://www.AngryOx.com/weird/messages/?f=verify&h={$hash}
Thanks!
Peter
The AngryOx Guy
EOF;
mail($d['email'],"AngryOx Answering Machine Message Submission",$message,"From: AngryOx <beckman@AngryOx.com>");
echo "Thanks! You need to go to the URL in your email to verify your submission. If you do not, your submission will be deleted
after 72 hours, and never reviewed. Make sure you check your email and go to that URL!";
echo "<p/>Go ahead and submit another, if you like!<p/>";
$d['text'] = "";
$GLOBALS[d]['text'] = "";
}
}
}
echo "Submit your own answering machine message!<p/><font class='small'><b>NOTE:</b> Your
message will NOT be reviewed or posted if your email is invalid. You
must confirm your submission via email!</font><p/>";
include_once("../../lib/pbform.inc");
$f = new HTML_Form($GLOBALS['PHP_SELF'],"post");
$f->start();
if (!empty($err)) echo "<font color='red'><b>{$err}</b></font>";
echo "<table border='0' cellspacing='1'>";
$f->displaytextarearow("d[text]","Answering Machine<br/>Message","",40,5);
$f->displaytextrow("d[email]","Your Email Address",$_COOKIE['email'],30);
$f->displaysubmitrow("submit","Save Message");
$f->displayhidden("f","submit");
echo "</table><p/>";
echo "Some Tips:<ul><li>Use real names, like John or Jen. Don't write \"[your name here].\"
<li>[Sound effects or descriptions] should go in square brackets.
<li>Limit your use of HTML to bold, italics and underline.
<li>Search the database to make sure there isn't another version already in there.
</ul>";
}
function verify($h) {
$r = dbq("select id,email,hash,verified,approved,date,text from messages where hash='{$h}'");
if (mysql_num_rows($r) == 1) {
$row = mysql_fetch_array($r);
if ($row['verified'] == 0) {
$s = dbq("update messages set verified=1 where id={$row['id']}");
echo "Your message is verified! We will review your message ASAP, and post it if it doesn't suck!<p/>";
} else {
echo "Your message is already verified!!! We are reviewing it, I swear!!! Stop reloading the page! <p/>";
}
} else {
echo "We couldn't find that message submission. <a href='index.php?f=submit>Submit a message.</a><p/>";
}
}
function db_error($errstr) {
if (preg_match("/Duplicate/",$errstr)) {
echo "<b><font color='red'>Sorry, that message already exists in our database. Try
again.</font></b><p>";
} else {
echo "Sorry, a database error has occurred. Peter has been
notified.<p/>";
echo nl2br($errstr);
mail("beckman@AngryOx.com","AMM Site Error",$errstr,"From: AMM Site Error <error@AngryOx.com>");
}
}
function mainpage() {
?>
I finally redesigned this site! The messages are now 100% searchable, and soon you'll be able to submit your own, rate others, and generally
spend lots of valuable time here. Aren't you excited?
<p/>
<CENTER>
<font class='main'> [ <a href='index.php?f=random'>Random Message</a> | <a href='index.php?f=all'>All Messages</a> | <a
href='index.php?f=submit'>Submit a Message</a> ] </font>
</CENTER>
<p/>
<?php displayad(); ?>
<p/>
These are links to WAY cool sites with answering machine messages that I just couldn't take the time to duplicate -- check 'em out! Funny
stuff! WAV, MP3, Real, WMV -- you name it. You can even use these on your cell phone! Get beyond the "Leave your message after the beep."
greetings. Celebrity announcements too!
<p>
They are ordered in the order in which I felt they should be
ordered, in descending order:
<ul>
<li><font size=+1>Audio Answering Machine Messages</font>
<ul>
<li><a target="_blank" href="http://www.soundamerica.com/sounds/spoofs/Answering_Machine/">Celebrity Answering Machine Messages</a>
<li><a target="_blank" href="http://www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/AnsMach/AnsMach.htm">ILoveWavs.com - Comedy Answering Machine Messages</a>
<li><a target="_blank" href="http://www.freeway.va.no/filer/answer.htm">More Audio Clips</a>
<li><a target="_blank" href="http://www.goodfelloweb.com/phone/index.html">Phone Machine Messages</a>
<li><a target="_blank" href="http://vega.soi.city.ac.uk/~shim/answerphone.cgi">Shim's Answerphone Messages</a>
<li><a target="_blank" href="http://www.oohyeahzone.com/answpzone.html">KL's OOHYEAH Homepage</a>
</ul>
<p>
<li><font size=+1>Local Audio Clips</font><br>
These are actual answering machine messages that people have recorded
and sent in for the archive. <A HREF=mailto:beckman@AngryOx.com>Send
yours in</a> today!
<ul>
<li><a href=/weird/messages/audio/borg.wav>Star Trek's Borg: You will be
assimilated!</a> - 119Kb WAV
<i> - <a href=mailto:sandrin@mail.bc.rogers.wave.ca>Frank Sandrin</a>
</i>
</ul>
</ul>
<P/><CENTER>
<!-- Change the OPTION text and VALUES to the ones for your links! -->
<!--
<FORM NAME="Select7URL">
<SELECT NAME="picker">
<OPTION VALUE="http://www.goodfelloweb.com/phone/index.html">Phone Machine Messages
<OPTION VALUE="http://vega.soi.city.ac.uk/~shim/answerphone.cgi">Shim's Answerphone Messages
<OPTION VALUE="http://www.oohyeahzone.com/answpzone.html">KL's OOHYEAH Homepage
</SELECT>
<INPUT TYPE=BUTTON VALUE="Energize!" onClick="GotoURL(this.form)">
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}
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<?php
}
function displayad() {
?>
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google_ad_width = 728;
google_ad_height = 90;
google_ad_format = "728x90_as";
google_ad_type = "image";
//2007-02-15: LeaderboardImageWeirdMessages
google_ad_channel = "1039542306";
google_color_border = "CC33FF";
google_color_bg = "000000";
google_color_link = "CC33FF";
google_color_text = "FFFFFF";
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</td></tr></table>
<?php include("../../tail"); ?>